Hardcourt Tales: A Behind-the-Scenes Look at Kevin Durant’s Free Agency
Hardcourt Tales are 100-percent real accounts of NBA events and happenings.
The basement underneath Chesapeake Energy Arena was boiling. Kevin hefted his backpack and stuck his thumbs through the straps. He felt his shirt sticking to his back. Not a good look for this meeting. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Why had [Thunder GM] Sam [Presti] wanted to meet him here? The Thunder offices were just across the street.
A text came to Kevin’s phone: U here?
The text was attached to an unknown contact. Weird. Maybe Sam had a new phone, Kevin thought. But then Kevin remembered that Sam didn’t really like spending money all that much—he probably never upgraded his phone, or even his data plan. So what was the deal?
Kevin texted back: Yeah. Where you at?
Room B-19. Knock four times so we know it’s you.
Kevin frowned. He sent a reply. Who else would it be?
No response. Huh. Maybe Sam was saving on his monthly data.
Kevin kept walking. The lights of the basement flickered. This was hopefully going to be the last meeting to decide where he wanted to play sports next year. It was a hard question, because Kevin was very good at sports and lot of people wanted to play sports with him. It was a decision that Kevin knew he had to take seriously—his mom had told him that several times over the phone—so he had kept a little notepad in the meetings so he could write down his impressions of each team. He took out the notepad and, for the sake of exposition, looked at what he had written about each team:
Day One: Oklahoma City
--Sam is so nice. He brought me a sandwich from Subway and he even remembered that I only like the jalepenos on one half of the bread.
--Russy is here. He’s Corporate Russy today which is nice because sometimes when he’s Demon Russy he scares me a little bit. He said he liked my shoes. I told him I liked his shoes. He told me his shoes were made out of the skin of orcas that had died in an oil spill and that they were a statement on the environment. I don’t really know what that’s about but I laughed and smiled like it was a joke and that seemed to make him feel good.
--Stevie Adams is here. I like him because he has a name where you have to say the first name and last name together all the time. Stevie Adams. He has a fun accent too. Everyone’s always happy to see Stevie Adams. <3
--No Serge?
--Sam told me that if I stayed we were gonna beat the Warriors really badly next year. I think that’s sort of right. For a while we played sports a lot better than they played sports. I don’t think I played sports as well as I could have at the end though. They had some pretty good sports players.
--Sam also told me that if I stayed I would be a hero in Oklahoma City for the rest of my whole life. To be honest I kinda feel like that’s the same as being like a mid-level manager in New York or LA. Same level of prestige. I do like the billboards in OKC though that tell me how much everyone loves me. Plus the blue and orange is a cool color combination that always makes me feel really cool.
--Current Grade: B+
Day Two: Los Angeles and Oakland
--I always feel really cool driving in LA because I can listen to Kendrick Lamar and Tupac and roll the windows down and wear my sunglasses and bob my head.
--Downtown LA is hype! The Staples Center is great and you can see the ESPN building across the street. I heard that the Grantland offices are over there too but when I asked one of the people at the desk about it they just shook their head and pointed to one of the security cameras so I guess that’s not a thing anymore.
--The meeting was alright. Everyone on the Clippers yells a lot except for my friend Chris, who is very smart and nice and dresses very well too. Aside from Chris though I felt like I didn’t really vibe with anyone very well because Mr. Rivers just sort of shouted and screamed and pointed at his board a lot and he was really sweaty, and DeAndre just sat next to him and took a lot of deep breaths and cried a little. Then this guy Blake told me that if I joined the Clippers we were gonna “throttle every team in the league” and to emphasize his point he wrapped his hands around Chris’ neck and pretended to choke him. It lasted a little too long and everyone kind of laughed but it was really tense and not very cool. I don’t think I want to play sports with Blake.
--Current Grade: C-
--Oakland was more exciting than I thought. The Warriors had me park in the lot for Oracle Arena but then they landed a helicopter in the lot and took me over the stadium where we landed on the roof of their offices. When I came off the helicopter I put on my sunglasses and I felt like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and it was super cool.
--At the Warriors’ meeting was me, Mr. Kerr, Stephen, Klay and Draymond. Behind Mr. Kerr was a whiteboard and I thought he was going to draw on it but instead he kicked it over, snapped his fingers, and where the whiteboard used to be was a 3D hologram of a basketball court and you could see me and Stephen and Klay and Draymond all playing sports together and winning a lot and there were trophies and confetti and little tiny hologram me was laughing and lifting up the trophy and then my mom was there and she was Finals MVP and I just started crying there was so much joy in that hologram.
--After the show, Mr. Kerr turned to me and he reached into his pocket and he pulled out his championship ring from two years ago and he put it on his finger and he set his fist on the table. Clack. Then Stephen stood up and put on his ring and set his fist on the table. Clack. Then Klay. Clack. Then Draymond stood up except he actually unzipped his pants and pulled out his junk and put the ring around his junk and set that on the table instead. Clack. I looked around at all the rings even though I tried to avoid Draymond’s and I looked everyone in the eyes. They all looked very serious and very intense and I thought about how I feel in a big game after I hit a big shot and play sports. I looked at Stephen and, even though his face didn’t really change, I saw in his eyes a little twinkle. It was small but it was so beautiful and I knew he was asking me if I wanted to be brothers for life. I felt my heart move a little. It was a powerful twinkle. That twinkle means so much to me. I can’t stop thinking about Stephen and his twinkle.
--Current Grade: A++++++
Day Three: San Antonio and Boston
--To be honest I don’t remember much about these meetings except everyone in San Antonio was really quiet so I thought they wanted me to talk first and I asked them what they liked about San Antonio and then this guy named Kawhi said, “Sports are for people who like sports.” It was weird but I will say that on my way out I shook hands with Mr. Popovich and when I made contact with his skin I felt some of his wisdom and power move between us and I think now I understand the beautiful life network between all things.
--Current Grade: B-
--Boston was meh.
--Current Grade: C
Day Four: Miami
--Mr. Riley told me first thing that if I didn’t play sports in Miami next year he was going to make it his personal mission to take control over my soul, which makes sense because I realize now that Mr. Riley looks a lot like Mr. Pacino’s version of Satan in that movie called “The Devil’s Advocate.”
--Hassan texted me after the meeting and asked if I wanted to be blood brothers but I forgot to text him back.
--Current Grade: C+
Kevin’s brow furrowed. He put the notebook away and looked at the sign on the door in front of him. B-19. He looked up and down the hallway but there was no one else there. He knocked four times.
The door swung open but inside the room was totally dark. “Hello?” Kevin called out.
A single bulb flickered on, because that’s how these scenes usually go down. A few steps into the room was a cheap folding table, and seated behind the folding table was Kevin’s friend, Sam. Sam looked exhausted. He hadn’t shaved in a few days. His eyes sagged. His shoulders curled inward. When he saw Kevin his eyebrows raised slowly and his mouth hovered open, like he was surprised in slow motion. “Kevin. Come and sit down.”
Kevin moved into the room and took his backpack off and sat down in a tiny chair across from Sam. “How’s it going?” he asked.
Sam shifted forward and put his hands out in front of him on the table. He was shaking. He clasped his hands together. “Fine. Fine. We—I—I wanted to check in on the process and see how you were feeling about returning to Oklahoma.”
Kevin had never seen Sam like this before. He was usually so poised and firm, no matter how much he was putting his own financial interests before the fans. This was really unlike him. Kevin went ahead with the question anyway. “Great. I’ve had some good meetings. I still really feel strongly about the idea of coming back to Oklahoma though.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Sam’s face cracked into a smile but it looked sort of like a wince too. “That—that’s great, Kevin. Now, I was hopeful to maybe take some steps forward today, have you—aghargle!”
It was really hard to put into words exactly the sound that Sam had made, but in layman’s terms, it was the sort of muffled cry you let out when someone takes you by the neck and chokeslams you right out of your chair.
From Kevin’s point of view, it looked like Sam had been swallowed by the darkness. “Sam?” He leaned forward. “Sam?”
Out of the shadow came a figure, but it was not Sam—Sam was dead just out of view, FYI—it was Kevin’s friend, Russy. Russy yanked Sam’s chair away from the table and spread his arms out and braced himself against the table and loomed over Kevin. Kevin gulped. Russy was wearing his jersey, a telltale sign that this was not Corporate Russy, but Demon Russy.
“Hey—hey Russy. What happened to Sam?” Kevin tried not to let his voice waver. He was always sort of scared of Demon Russy.
Demon Russy sneered. “Sam’s dead just out of view, Kevin. But that doesn’t matter. We’re here to talk business. We’re here to talk sports.”
Kevin swallowed. Demon Russy’s arms bulged out of his shooting sleeves. Kevin knew that Demon Russy had chosen a white shooting sleeve because white makes you look bigger. That was one of Corporate Russy’s fashion tips that had permeated its way onto the persona of Demon Russy. “Why’d—why’d you do that to Sam?” Kevin asked.
“Because.” Demon Russy’s voice boomed. “That slack-jawed non-athlete penny-pincher was never going to take us to the top. Kevin. We were up 3-1. You. Me. Stevie Adams. The tall one from the Congo. We had the power to defeat the Warriors, and restore order to the National Basketball Association. We still have that power. We have the power to be there again.”
“Russy—I—”
“Silence! Join me, Kevin, and together we can crush our foes in the Western Conference. We can establish ourselves as immortals in Oklahoma City.”
“Yeah, but, I mean, come on man. It’s Oklahoma City.”
Demon Russy’s eyes turned red I swear on my life. “WHAT. Do I detect contempt in your voice Kevin?” He somehow grew taller. “Do I detect dismissiveness in your tone Kevin?” He barred horrible fangs that you can actually see on TV if you look closely enough. “Do I detect … betrayal?” He reached out an arm and clutched Kevin around the throat.
CRASH.
Contrary to what you might be thinking, that crashing noise was not the sound of Kevin’s neck when Demon Russy crushed it like a pixie-stick. Necks don’t usually sound like that. The sound was actually the sound of a certain blue-and-gold helicopter colliding with the side of Chesapeake Energy Arena, tearing a hole in the basement wall and bringing rubble and dust down upon the pair of Thunder teammates.
Demon Russy let out a roar and Kevin was released from his grip. Kevin fell to the ground and from under the table he saw the copter and the crash and his rescuers.
Stephen, Klay and Draymond rushed from the wreckage. “Kevin! We’re the Golden State Warriors and we’re here to rescue you!” Stephen yelled. He ran forward with Klay and they helped Kevin to his feet. Kevin, leaning into Klay’s warm, powerful, perfectly-sculpted-for-shooting-basketballs-and-playing-sports shoulder, panted, “Watch out! Demon Russy!”
“Don’t worry,” Klay said, his facial expression changing zero-percent. “Draymond has him.”
Kevin looked toward the crash. Demon Russy tensed and flexed and across from him Draymond hoisted his arms over his head. “Come at me, son.”
No one had ever called Demon Russy “son” before, because Demon Russy is born of hell and has no earthly father. But Draymond had. He thought it would provoke the Greatest Athlete in All of Tartarus, and he was right.
Demon Russy charged Draymond with a speed so terrible that Skip Bayless would have cowered for his life, but the Heart of the Warriors stood tall. He braced for the charge. He crouched. He reached into his shorts and, once again, pulled out his junk. The championship ring shone even in the darkness, and as it swung through the air and collided with Demon Russy, Kevin thought for a second, but couldn’t be sure, that he heard a faint roar from a past Oracle crowd.
The smack sent Demon Russy sprawling. He bowled into the table and slid across the floor and slammed into the wall. He twitched. Seized. Lay still. Draymond put his junk back into his shorts.
“Is it dead?” Klay asked in a monotone.
“No,” said Draymond, “But it’s out for now. We should kill it while we have the chance.” He stepped forward.
“No.” Kevin mustered his strength and stood tall. He held out his arm and stopped Draymond. “Let him go. He was my friend…” He swallowed and looked away for a second. “…once.”
Draymond nodded. Klay nodded. Stephen nodded. Stephen patted Kevin on the back. “Ready to go, Kevin?”
Kevin sighed and looked around the wreckage. Out-cold Demon Russy. Sam, dead, just out of view. The remains of Chesapeake Energy Arena. He picked up his backpack and put it on. “Ready.”
The Warriors lead Kevin outside, where the third helicopter was waiting. They opened the door and inside Kevin saw Mr. Kerr in the pilot’s seat. He gave Kevin a thumbs-up and Kevin climbed in and the copter took off. It headed west toward California.
Kevin looked out the window and felt a stir in his heart. He looked across the seat at Stephen. Stephen looked at him. His eye twinkled. Kevin smiled. There was a lot in that twinkle. Kevin sat back and sighed and closed his eyes. In his heart, he knew where he wanted to play sports. He knew this was right.
He opened his phone and texted his mom. I made a decision. He turned his phone off. He looked back out the window. It was Independence Day.