Serious Question: Which Ludacris Guest Verse Is The Most Embarrassing?

Serious Question is when we pose a question and then try to answer it. Usually the question is not very serious.

Ludacris is like an extra roll of toilet paper: Most of the time, you don’t need him and don’t think about him, but there will be occasions when you’re super glad he’s there. That’s not a diss; it’s a compliment. We can all agree it’s difficult to hate on Ludacris. He’s too inconsequential. He looks too much like a Muppet version of a rapper. He’s too ridiculous.

Ludacris is best in tiny portions, which is why his best moments are his guest verses rather than his solo records. He’s like the guy who shows up to your party an hour late, has a few drinks, talks to your girl right up to the moment where you start to think, “Yo, is Ludacris tryna steal my girl?” but then he leaves before anything too crazy happens. Ludacris would never steal your girl. He’s too harmless and inconsequential, remember? Whew.

But while most of Ludacris’ body of work is appropriately take-it-or-leave-it, he has quite a few numbers that, to return to our toilet paper analogy, are pretty close to poop. Guest verses are supposed to elevate songs, but Ludacris has involved himself with a few projects that, to say the least, are regrettable. While he might make the song more, uh, interesting, he doesn’t make them better, and while we might expect any rapper to have a few swings-and-misses (Kendrick Lamar, anyone?), Ludacris’ ambition and reach have resulted in some truly baffling and embarrassing instances. Thus, our serious question.

In order to find out which Ludacris guest verse is the most embarrassing, we have to address a few preliminary questions:

1. What’s an example of an embarrassing Ludacris moment?

Ah, what a rich well you have brought us to, young squire. Ludacris has a ton of embarrassing moments. We’re going to save the guest spots for the main portion of this investigation, so we’ll use one of Ludacris’ solo efforts as a template.

Some Ludacris moments are embarrassing because they showcase his lack of rapping ability (“My Chick Bad,” while a banger, is an example of this: Ludacris at one point rhymes “yours” with “words” and follows up with the line, “My chick bad, tell me if you seen her/She always bring the racket like Venus and Serena”), and other moments are embarrassing because they retroactively make Luda look like a fool (“Get Back” is an example of this: at one point we hear the line, “That’s why I pack a mac, that’ll crack ‘em back/Cause on my waist there’s more Heat than a Shaq Attack,” which is embarrassing because we can all agree the closest Ludacris ever came to firing a gun was probably in the Fast and Furious movies).

The most embarrassing Ludacris moments, however, do both, and that’s how we come to something like “Pimpin’ All Over the World.”

Lots to unpack here. First off, for a video about pimping on an international level, it’s really cheap-looking. The way Ludacris describes it, pimping seems very glamorous, and one would assume that pimping on a global level would increase that glamor level exponentially. Not so in real life, it seems. All uncomfortable tribal imagery aside, Ludacris strikes out on multiple levels in this video:

• Literally every article of clothing he wears can be described as “ill-advised.”
• At one point he tears a woman’s skirt off and, between you and me, she doesn’t look too excited about being with Ludacris from that point forward.
• He plays online poker in the final scene. Has never been a cool action.
• A real line in the song: “I used to think that it was way too cold/Til I went to Canada and saw some beautiful hoes.” A-plus, Luda.
• The whole thing is a front to advertise GoldenPalace.com, which is an online casino. Ludacris must have been facing a lot of debt.

2. How do we know when a guest verse is especially embarrassing?

Well, same template as above. We look at the context of the verse and consider that alongside Ludacris’ general rapping ability on said verse, as well as any outstanding circumstances or scenarios that would add to the level of embarrassment. The best verses will make Ludacris feel embarrassed, but also make us feel embarrassed for Ludacris.

3. That’s basically what you said before. We’ve been over this.

Right.

4. Was this introductory Q&A just an excuse to talk about “Pimpin’ All Over the World?”

Yes.

Which Ludacris Guest Verse Is The Most Embarrassing?

“Yeah!” by Usher feat. Ludacris, Lil Jon (2004)

Lyrical Lowlight: “And roar, these women all on the prowl/If you hold the head steady, Imma milk the cow”

A close lyrical examination definitely doesn’t help Luda here. His verse on “Yeah!” is super gross, but for a song about having sex with women in the club, that probably should be expected, because all public sex has a degree of gross-ness to it. However, Ludacris comes away from “Yeah!” clean because “Yeah!” on the whole is undeniably immortal.

Ludacris had one job on “Yeah!”—maintain the hype—and he crushes that job like a can of Miller High Life. He doesn’t try to do too much, but when he rolls the dice he comes up a winner. Usher can be Ursher all day man, as long as Lil Jon keeps the beat. You know the beat, it’s the one Ludacris says makes your booty go [clap]. I have no idea what that looks like, but that’s not Luda’s fault, it’s mine. I haven’t been in enough clubs to witness enough booties going [clap], but Ludacris has, and the way Ludacris sells it, booties going [clap] sounds like something I want to be a part of. “Yeah!” is an all-timer, and Ludacris actively contributes to that status. This was super not embarrassing, lyrics aside.
Immediate Embarrassment: 2/10
Residual Embarrassment: 0/10

Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris (2010)

Lyrical Lowlight: “Listen now. I’m only gonna break your heart/And shatter and splatter it into little bitty pieces/Whether or not you get it all together/Then it’s finder’s keepers and losers weepers”

True story: In 2010 Obama wanted to give Taio Cruz a Presidential Medal of Courage because he allowed Ludacris not one, but two guest verses on this song (the House overruled him; they didn’t like “Dynamite” very much). It’s a legitimately insane move to trust one of your most bankable hits to multiple Ludacris appearances, but Taio Cruz somehow pulled it off. Ludacris is not terrible in either of these verses, and if the best we can say about Ludacris is that he “wasn’t terrible,” then it’s probably a top-ten day for critical reception in Ludacris’ life. Proud of you, Luda. Keep it up, Luda.
Immediate Embarrassment: 5/10
Residual Embarassment: 4/10

“Porn Star Dancing” by My Darkest Days feat. Ludacris, Chad Kroeger, Zakk Wylde (2010)

Lyrical Lowlight: “She make me want to get a stripper pole up in my home/Cuz her porn star dancin’ has got me in the zone”

We better do a quick rundown of who each of these people are, because while I’m sure you have an idea of who these people are, seeing it all in a list is going to make it real for you:

• My Darkest Days—a rock band from Canada most famous for a song called “Sick and Twisted Affair”
• Ludacris—an unfortunate rapper
• Chad Kroeger—the lead singer of Nickelback and Avril Lavigne’s now-separated husband (Did you know they were separated? I had no idea. Is that sad? I think it’s a little sad)
• Zakk Wylde—former guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne

Now, I’m sure you read that list and your first thought was, “What could go wrong?” Yeah, well, a lot could go wrong with that crowd of A-list musicians, and a lot did go wrong. They all inexplicably came together to give us a sexed-up rock song called “Porn Star Dancing,” which is about—strap in—a pole dancer who is so good at her job that her physical movements remind the band members of actresses they’ve seen in the adult entertainment industry. What a remarkable thing. Try to listen to this song all the way through. It’s impossible. Obama should hand out Presidential Medals of Courage to all those who make the attempt.

Ludacris’ appearance here is just sorry as can be. He describes the aforementioned dancer as “sexy as hell” and then right in the next line he hopes she’ll be “bailin’ me out of jail” if he ever finds himself in trouble. That’s a pretty huge ask, especially for a stripper, because given the track record of strippers, they’re not exactly in a flexible place financially. So Ludacris is asking a stripper for money. Not a good look.
Immediate Embarrassment: 8/10
Residual Embarrassment: 6/10

“Glamorous” by Fergie feat. Ludacris (2006)

Lyrical Lowlight: “Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce/To support your shoe fetish/Lifestyles so rich and famous/Robin Leach will get jealous”

“Glamorous” ages better than you would think, because it’s a lot less egregious and self-aggrandizing than you remember. Fergie raps about going to Taco Bell and reminisces about her life before she was rich and famous, and Ludacris slant-rhymes his way through a verse that ends with the welcoming, inviting, inclusive line: “If you ain’t got no money take your broke ass home.”

This song is the embodiment of harmless Ludacris. His verse is uncreative and haphazard, but he doesn’t drag the song down or lift it up in any noticeable manner. He shows up, makes a dated Robin Leach reference, and leaves—he didn’t try to steal your girl, in other words.
Immediate Embarrassment: 4/10
Residual Embarrassment: 3/10

“Wet the Bed” by Chris Brown feat. Ludacris (2011)

Lyrical Lowlight: “Women call me the super soaker/And Imma soak your bed to death”

“Wet the Bed” is about how Chris Brown is going to treat his woman so well in bed that her level of arousal is going to considerably dampen his sheets. That’s the most PG-but-still-kinda-R-rated way to put it. Now, I’m admittedly no expert in the apparent art of seductive sheet-soaking, but one thing I say with confidence is that when it comes to Chris Brown’s seducing strategies, very rarely, if ever, does Ludacris factor into those equations. Chris Brown doesn’t want Ludacris anywhere near his seduction game, because Ludacris as a person is one of the least romantic and seductive things anyone can imagine.

The men have taken drastically different approaches to the (hyper-explicit) dirty talk on display in “Wet the Bed.” Chris Brown walks the woman through the various actions he’s going to perform on her once they go to bed together, which I would assume creates some sort of exciting anticipatory sensation. Fine. Ludacris, however, takes a considerably less graceful tack: “The forecast said it’s cloudy tonight/And Imma have your body like bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop”

Again, I’m no expert, but if I were a woman in bed and Ludacris boasted to me, “Imma make you bloop so hard tonight, girl,” I am running TF out of there as fast as I can. I don’t want my body to bloop. I don’t want anyone’s body to bloop. If Ludacris is out there right now doing his hardest to make some poor chick bloop, someone needs to put a stop to it. The main takeaway here: Ludacris has zero game.
Immediate Embarrassment: 7/10
Residual Embarrassment: 8/10

“Dirt Road Anthem (Remix)” by Jason Aldean feat. Ludacris (2011)

Lyrical Lowlight: “Put my pedal to the metal like I’m racing/Turn it up and let the speakers scream for Mr. Aldean but I call him Jason”

So far, there have been a lot of Ludacris guest verses that are, in isolation, harmless. Ludacris isn’t great on those songs, but his presence in itself isn’t meaningful, so the embarrassment factor stays low and doesn’t last long. Not so here. “Dirt Road Anthem (Remix)” is contextually embarrassing because it is one of the first examples we have of the most embarrassing crossover possible in music: rap and country.

There are entire essays to be written on country music’s unfortunate trend toward hip hop, but for the sake of keeping this 2000-plus-word article on Ludacris guest verses somewhat forgivable, let’s summarize that by saying, yes, we can all agree that rap and country should never, ever mix. It’s embarrassing to see country musicians rapping and it’s embarrassing to see rappers feature on country music. The amazing thing about Ludacris, though, is that he doesn’t let things like “terrible ideas” or “ill-advised cash-ins” stop him from dropping trash verses, which is why we’re treated to his sellout spot on this Jason Aldean song. A lot of people had to clear this idea before this remix came into our lives. All those people should be ashamed.
Immediate Embarrassment: 6/10
Residual Embarrassment: 9/10

“Baby” by Justin Bieber feat. Ludacris (2010)

Lyrical Lowlight: “She had me going crazy, oh, I was star-struck/She woke me up daily, don’t need no Starbucks”

Alright, let’s head some things off right now. We are not ending our beautiful journey with “Baby” because this is some hyper-defensive burndown of Justin Bieber; not at all. You know something? Justin Bieber’s music library is a straight-up earworm factory, and “Baby” is forever going to be his most important record. This song still sees a pop at parties and it’s going to be that way for a really long time. Millions of people still ride for “Baby.” Quit whining.

Anyway, there are a few reasons why “Baby” is the most embarrassing Ludacris guest verse. For one thing, it’s bad—at this point, that shouldn’t surprise us—but another thing, it’s a bad verse on a transcendently popular song, which heightens the badness and exponentially increases the embarrassment.

Ludacris’ verse is about how—say it with me—when he was 13, he had his first love. On the surface, that’s fine, but let’s remember Ludacris’ self-proclaimed origins: A hard, loud-mouthed, won’t-back-down-from-a-fight man’s man. Ludacris is pimpin’ all over the world, remember? He’s gonna super soak you, girl (GTFO before he super soaks you, girl!), remember? He has the money and the cars and the women, and if you fall in love with him, be careful, because he could shatter and splatter your heart into little bitty pieces. That’s the Ludacris we know. That’s not the Ludacris we have on “Baby.”

Ludacris on “Baby” is 13. That’s probably the most embarrassing age any of us have ever been. You never run the block when you’re 13. Thirteen-year-olds own too many video games, don’t know how to style their makeup, have “phases,” and collect eternal stories about how some bodily function happened in a place inappropriate for that bodily function (thirteen is prime “then my period happened” or “then I pooped a little” territory). Picture a 13-year-old Ludacris. Is he intimidating? No. Is he running things? No. Is he someone you would bully? Yes.

Remember: This is the man who would go on to brand himself as an international, globe-trotting pimp, a man who will knock you out, a man who says things like “If you ain’t got no money take yo broke ass home.” That Ludacris is nowhere to be found on “Baby.” The Ludacris on “Baby” is the 13-year-old version of the Ludacris on “Wet the Bed,” the one who tries to seduce women by telling them he will have their body blooping. Thirteen-year-old Ludacris—the man who would grow up to be pimpin’ all over the world—is striking out on the playground. That’s eternally, impossibly, unequivocally embarrassing.
Immediate Embarrassment: 7/10
Residual Embarrassment: 10/10
Is this the most embarrassing Ludacris guest verse? 100%

Epilogue

Not all rap has to be important. Not all rap has to be lyrically deft and necessary and intricate. Rap can be fun and funny and easy, and you know what, Ludacris is all of those things. In fact, there’s something to be said for the relative importance and necessity of having some dumb rap with our smart rap. Is Ludacris the worst rapper alive? No. Is he the best? No. But you know something? Ludacris is fully aware of that. After all, even with all of those embarrassing verses above, he does have one key, oft-overlooked line from “Break Your Heart”:

“Now I may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my honesty”

Yeah. We do respect it, Luda. Keep rhyming, Luda. Never change, Luda.