Serious Question: Which Sexual Selena Gomez Song Makes You Feel The Slimiest?
Serious Question is when we pose a question and then try to answer it. Usually the question is not very serious.
Selena Gomez is 24 years old, and if her music is any indication, she wants to have sex with someone very, very badly. Lots of her songs propose sex and lots of her music videos suggest it. That’s not an abnormal thing for a 24-year-old. In fact, based on our findings, lots of 24-year-olds want to have sex, and often would say they want it badly. But something about Selena Gomez wanting sex from us feels weird. Why?
We noted that Selena Gomez is 24, which in a practical sense isn’t surprising. We know she’s young and we know that she’s a decent bit removed from the Disney Channel days, so yeah, 24 makes sense. But seeing in writing that Selena Gomez is 24 also feels just a little weird, because (and this is hard to articulate) something about her just feels younger than that. I mean, her middle name is Marie. Someone was born with the stamp of innocence.
Maybe to know a person is 24 brings about a shift in expectations. If you meet a 23-year-old, you can assume they’re fresh out of college, which implies they still have things to figure out in the post-college world. If someone says they are 25, maybe that person is at Stage 2 of their career and is beginning to frame things in terms of “my next step is going to be where I’m at for probably 7-10 years.” But Selena Gomez is 24. We don’t have those “settle-down-soon” questions about her yet, but we still expect her to have figured a few things out.
So then why does the prospect of Selena Gomez wanting to have sex with us feel so strange? Comparable artists don’t have that problem. Ariana Grande (she’s 23) put out “Side to Side” last year, which, remember, is about Ariana Grande having so much sex (so much sex!) involving penises so large and unwieldy (large and unwieldy!) that she can’t walk properly the next day. People effing ate that up. Miley Cyrus (24), while not quite as sexually explicit in her music, is super sexual as a person. She is an open pansexual and, don’t forget, ate a penis cake for Liam Hemsworth once. At this point, that’s just Miley being Miley. Not gross. Rihanna? Brah. She’s playing a different sport.
Those women have leveraged their sexuality to make you laugh (Ariana), make your jaw drop (Miley) or make you go home and take a cold shower ASAP (don’t even joke you know who it is). But all Selena makes us want to do is change the station, or cringe, or apologize to her father. What’s she missing? If we can find out which Selena Gomez song makes us feel grossest, maybe we can better understand why she doesn’t pull this off.
Which Sexual Selena Gomez Song Makes You Feel The Slimiest?
“Come & Get It” (2013)
Selena’s Age: 20
Red-Flag Lyric: You ain’t gotta worry, it’s an open invitation/I’ll be sitting tight here real patient/All day, all night, I’ll be waiting standby
Selena Gomez is kinda sneaky. If you take the “Come & Get It” lyrics on their own terms, a delicate line is walked between romance and sexuality. Selena’s been waiting a long time for this love, and once she gets it (in her words), no take-backs. Okay, fine. That’s commitment at least. But when taken in conjunction with the video, “Come & Get It” really just seems to be about Selena waiting a long time so she can bang some dude for the rest of his life, which raises some more conflicting feelings. Still, the song isn’t super explicit, and it walks that line pretty well. There’s just minor “wait, she’s 20?!” vibes.
Slime Level: 4/10
“Birthday” (2013)
Selena’s Age: 20
Red-Flag Lyric: How do you do? Come and meet the queen/C-c-cake and cream
This song isn’t really sexual at all, but it’s here because of its context. It’s the first song on Selena’s first solo record, Stars Dance, and it was released around the time of Selena’s actual 20th birthday. Totally fine, but also not totally fine. This song is like stumbling into a Kidz Bop afterparty that went a little too far, and now you as the responsible adult have to make the call to either put a stop to the party and keep everyone safe, or let the kids keep making bad decisions. That sucks. Music should never make you feel like a responsible adult.
Slime Level: 5/10
“Slow Down” (2013)
Selena’s Age: 21
Red-Flag Lyric: If you want me, I’m accepting applications/So long as we keep this record on rotation/You know I’m good with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation/Breathe me in, breathe me out/So amazing
Alright, Selena’s reached the legal drinking age. Glad we reached that critical threshold. Yet, when she tells us “TSA, I’m ready for inspection,” as she does here, it’s still going to be the kind of thing where you suck air through your teeth and look over both shoulders for the closest exit, you know? And it’s not that Selena is unattractive in a conventional sense—she is, for sure—but something about saying she wants “to feel your body right next to mine all night long, baby” makes you want to check the corners for undercover cops. There’s too much of a public, clubby vibe here. It’s not just you and Selena out on that dancefloor. It feels like a spectacle. Pretty gross.
Slime Level: 7/10
“Do It” (2014)
Selena’s Age: 22
Red-Flag Lyrics: Boy I can’t lie, what we did last night/You know it’s constantly replaying staying on my mind
This is unexpected, but “Do It” feels like a great look for Selena. It’s bouncy and beachy and, most important of all, freeing. A Selena Gomez song feels gross when it feels like a solicitation, but this doesn’t feel that way at all. In the beginning of the song, the lyrics might be a little like, “Uh oh, I’m waking up next to Selena Gomez—did she coerce me into having sex with her even if I felt kinda weird about it?” but as the song continues it’s like, “Oh well hold on, Selena seems to be super into this guy, and she’s asking him for sex because it’s fun and mutual and exciting and passionate and makes her feel like fifteen-million dollars, so hey, I guess I can ride with that.” Selena’s offer here isn’t unwarranted and it doesn’t feel like something she’s doing to please other people. It actually feels kind of sweet. Why can’t more of her songs be like this?
Slime Level: 0/10
“Good For You” (2015)
Selena’s Age: 23
Red-Flag Lyrics: Let me show you how proud I am to be yours/Leave this dress a mess on the floor/And still look good for you, good for you
First off, there’s something to the concept of communicating to your SO that you’re proud to be with them. That’s an empowering thing and something that should be supported, but man, in relation to the rest of this song, that idea is lost like a child in a Walmart Supercenter. The lyrics don’t go into anything super nasty, but the video is pretty uncomfortable. Lot of Selena tugging up her dress and smoothing her hair back in the shower and barely hiding her boobs behind a white t-shirt. The whole thing is whimpery and pleading and, no lie, hard to stick with to the end. There’s a power dynamic in play here that puts the listener in a dominant position, and that makes watching Selena writhe about on the ground making Bambi eyes at you feel exploitative and cringey.
Slime Level: 9/10
“Hands to Myself” (2016)
Selena’s Age: 23
Red-Flag Lyrics: So come on give me a taste/Won’t let one drop go to waste
At first glance, “Hand to Myself” should have a ton of gross-feeling things attached to it. The song’s pretty blunt about its connotations, and the video is only second to “Good For You” in terms of sexualizing Selena herself—she does a lot of self-caressing in lingerie here. But the whole package feels a little more okay than normal. Her killer line at the end of the bridge makes it: “I mean I could, but why would I want to?” It’s funny and cute and, again, liberating. These kinds of songs shouldn’t be so high-stakes and serious. Serena saying “Eff it” is a lot more fun to listen to and be around.
Slime Level: 3/10
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So, okay, let’s bring this all home. Selena Gomez doesn’t work as a sex symbol when she’s treating sex like some sort of trophy she needs to seize from you. That puts the listener in a weird, backwards-feeling position and presents her as kind of needy and submissive. Thus, songs like “Good For You” and “Slow Down” feel exploitative and voyeuristic. That’s where the grossness comes from.
But on the other hand, we’ve surprised ourselves a bit in seeing that Selena has seen some musical success with a liberated, carefree, flirtatious image. This girl wasn’t meant to command the room or slink along a runway, and that’s fine, especially when she fills the celebrity role of the girl who’s—wait a second—still kind of figuring stuff out. Remember the "Selena Gomez & The Scene" era? Remember the moment that was “The Heart Wants What It Wants?” (SHE CRIED ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER IN THE VIDEO.) Those songs are amazing! And they’re amazing because they feel like windows into a 23- and 24-year-old who is just trying to grapple with the confusion and unpredictability of being young. Best of all, Selena has shown she can be confused but still have fun at the same time. She can still go out and drop it at the club and have her girlfriends over and be excited about that guy across the room. Hell yeah, man.
Selena Gomez maybe hasn’t grown all the way up yet, but that’s okay, because music now feels like everyone trying to grow up way too fast. Having someone who can hang back with us, point at all the craziness, and laugh with us at it, is a refreshing thought. You don’t have to be our lover, Selena. We just want you to be our friend.